This week has seen K start a new full-time job after leaving her post as the underpaid, undervalued, fully-trained Assistant Manager-but-without-the-accompanying-pay-and-title at a certain chain store Bakery. It is also the week where my mother has jetted off to a warmer climate to holiday in what she, after booking, has since found out to be a Naturist Resort. Holiday snaps should be a laugh then.
I on the other hand, am not on holiday, nor starting a new career. Instead, I am sat here tear-streaked and miserable. As we are all fending for ourselves here at home (sister, K and I) and all but one of us has jobs, things aren’t getting done around the house at an ideal pace. As the resident loafer, I thought I’d be helpful and clean the bathroom today.
I couldn’t manage the floor or shower, so stuck to the toilet, wash basin, shelves and tiles. Not only is cleaning the bathroom one of the most hideously disgusting and thankless of tasks (bear in mind we also have a “damp problem”) but it also took me about 3 hours to do. That’s roughly about 2 and a half hours longer than it would take any other person on the planet.
As I use a wheelchair full-time my hands are subject to regular abuse. I accumulate blisters, corns and calluses and because I have balance/depth-perception/spacial awareness issues, my hands are forever in shreds. I can’t go through a doorway without tearing my knuckles on the wooden architrave or go pass furniture without skinning my fingers its corners. I’ve done it for so many years now I hardly feel it and seldom notice. However, my activities of the day have allowed me to become acutely aware of every minute injury. Bleach-based cleaning fluids and heavily grazed skin don’t mix.
I thought red-raw hands and the scrubbing of mould-infested surfaces for hours on end would be as bad as it could get, until I put my back out. To put the icing on the cake, it’s not the dull but draining agony of my Scoliosis-ridden spine that I’m used to. Oh no, this feels like fucking Sciatica.
Now, I can’t even slide-transfer onto the fucking toilet without bursting into tears. Why has even the most mundane of tasks always got to be so fucking difficult? Why can’t I just have one fucking day off from being in this useless God Forsaken body? I was only trying to be helpful, instead of moping about the house as neither use, nor ornament.
For Fuck’s Sake.
A full-time wheelchair user since 1998, Claire lives in an adapted bungalow in England with her Partner of 10 years and their two dogs: 
Hey there. I’m sorry you had such a bad day, and I hope you found it cathartic to write about.
Though I cannot know what life is like for you (and without wishing to cause offence, I hope I never do), I do empathise. I have a cousin with cerebral palsy and have watched her grow up coping with the condition.
Now I’m not some god-botherer so I won’t tell you that god has a plan for everyone and that you’ll get some reward because those are just empty promises. I’ve had my fair share of illness, some chronic that still seriously affects my life ten years after diagnosis. I can promise you that if you surround yourself with great people, great things can happen.
It’s cool you have a place like this to vent, as there’s always someone who’ll listen (well, read at least). Hope the rest of the week brightens up for you.
Hey Lew,
It’s ok, my back is easing off a bit now and I’ve calmed down a lot.
Fortunately, days like today are few and far between and for the mostpart, I can see the “bright side” to my situation (I tend to live with the mindset: “Chin up, cuz there’s always gonna be some poor bastard that’s 10 times worse off than you”. As a result, I often feel guilty for outbursts like the above (even just those I keep to myself) as I know there are many people (especially with CP) that would do anything to be as “able” as I am. I guess that’s one of the reasons I restricted this post, I don’t want to come across as ungrateful or as someone who wallows in negativity.
But, we’re all susceptible to “off” days, I suppose, no matter how sunny our outlook usually is.
Love and best wishes to both you and your cousin, your comment was well received and much appreciated, sometimes just feeling “heard” works wonders.
I totally agree with you — we’re all susceptible to “off” days. I’m sorry you had one.
I also agree that knowing someone out there is listening usually helps — it does with me, at least. That’s one thing I love about having a website.
I’m glad you are feeling better.
While I know nothing about being in a wheelchair, I do know a little about sciatica and how miserable it can be alone. Add to that everything else … wow. I’m sorry you had such a bad day and I hope things look up for you. I totally agree we all have our off days. I get more than my share.
Not sure if I can say “chin up, babe” without sound patronising, but that’s essentially what I want to say. You have *so* much to offer — don’t knock yourself down. There are enough people in this world prepared to do it for you, so self-mutilation is rarely necessary.
I’d employ you in a heartbeat, btw. Ever thought of moving into Education? I’m 100% serious when I say I think you’d be incredible at a job like mine.
V xx
p.s. Hope your back’s settled down now.
Meggan & Nicole: Many thanks for “listening” and for the well-wishes… My back is now gradually improving.
Vixx: You’d employ me, would you? Careful, I might hold you to that
I’ve contemplated the education sector, but I’m unsure as to how I’d deal with students/kids, to be honest.
Post-16 is, from my own vantage point, easily the best place to be — at least there’s an air of voluntary attendance in oppose to the mandatory kind (actually, I have a friend who was teaching High School English and quit after a year :P) — and there no-one calls you ‘Miss’. Don’t think I could cope with that!
I could bore you with Job Descriptions if you’re interested — don’t hesitate to ask.
V xx
don’t knock the “compulsory punishment” of secondary schools..;) it’s not that bad. Yes, you get insulted, and yes, the kids are little hormonal scum-sucking weasels.
However, they are also quite amusing to work with as long as you have a relaxed and unshockable disposition. I never get called “sir”. I don’t allow it. Karl is my name.
OK, so several teachers think that I’m a) Gay, and b) Wear pink lacy thongs. However, I’m more amused than bothered,especially when staff ask. I also find they’re very protective. One year 9 insulted me (from memory, it was something like “hey, forrest gump”..) and the next thing I heard was a smack as someone in year 11 doled out some punishment..heh.
Education is great..I get lots of excersize, and lots of time to sit and rest. I can also choose to either go out and fix stuff in person, or sit at my desk and do it remotely. Short days, good long holidays to recover. It’s worth considering.
As to cleaning..gah. Have you tried a steam cleaner? I use ours to massacre the bathroom..mould, water marks, limescale…it may take a bit, but it’s quite effortless. Good for windows and carpets too. As to hand protection..I can heartily recommend looking at wholesalers and getting a box of 100 latex gloves for about £5.
Hey, I quite agree, Karl — different horses for different courses.
I just exemplified as a lot of people read ‘high school’ when you discuss careers in Education, that’s all. 
Although you clearly have more than my 28 days leave a year!!
V xx
ah, yes. I’m term time + 2 weeks(on hols now).
That said, last year I worked through the summer unpaid as I needed to do something. I’m already being required freelance next week at the Red Cross, and i’m setting up a linux box right now to re-image the entire schools IT, and playing through simulations of exactly how I intend to do all 200 PCs in a few days.
My contract may change to a more “conventional” one when we go to “Academy” status though. As long as they pay more, I’m happy with that!