When people realise that I have been blogging since 2001 and that this website has existed in various forms since 2004, they often ask why the archives only go back as far as the start of the most current of reincarnations, December 2005.
The answer to this question is simple. Prior to that date, I was a coward, of sorts. I spent the years leading up to that date “journalling” my angst and waffling bollocks on a myriad of communal journal sites and my own “home pages”, always under the guise of silly pseudonyms.
This never worked and invariably ended in tears. On numerous occasions.
I would use my assumed anonymity to talk quite starkly out of my rear end. After all, it was my site and my space. I, like most teen journallers, paraded around with the “If you don’t like it you can click the X in the corner, so there!” attitude.
Yeah, right. Just you try that one when sitting in front of your parents once they’re all teary over what you’ve published to the world.
It doesn’t work. Once you’ve released something and put it “out there” for human consumption, you can no longer stake quite such a personal claim over it. It begins to belong to other people; readers absorb it, use it to form opinions, it becomes a catalyst for discussion, provocation and reaction. Suddenly, what began as “all about you” can very quickly become “all about somebody else”, if you’re not very careful.
I learnt this the hard way and that is why I now choose to blog under my own name. I am forever drawing and redrawing the line in the sand as to who and what, I will (and won’t) write about, but one rule remains true: I only write things that I am willing to stand by and put my own, real name to.
This forces me to grow up and think twice about posting when angry or during a conflict with another person. There’s no need to subject the world to my insecurities or petty domestics, or those of other people for that matter. It also forces me to try to protect the privacy of those close to me who may not know or approve of my blog, as in exposing my identity, I may effectively expose theirs too and they may not like it. I have to be sensitive towards that fact.
To remain in keeping with these guidelines, means that most past posts are now deemed “unfit for human consumption”. Sifting through old databases of past incarnations left me cringing at the raw “Dear Diary-ness” of it all, something I am proud to say I don’t experience when viewing the existing archives here at this site.
However one thing I did stumble upon every so often, was a slight glimpse of what was to come in regards to the nature of my blog an it’s “voice” as it is now. Had I have written some of those snippets now, I would indeed still publish them.
That’s why today I am treating you to a “retro” entry written one year ago today:
My friend Bob the cold sore and tar-filled lungs
8th August 2005, 7:32 AM
I’m currently stuck writing this entry in Word Pad as my ‘Net connection is being a git. When using one account, it won’t connect, full stop. When using the other account, I can get connected but not view any pages. Ah well, you get what you pay for I guess and considering my subscription is £5 a month, I suppose I should expect things like this.
This cold sore on my lip has now swollen to proportions so huge the bastard thing should be given it’s own National Insurance number. It’s on the left side of my bottom lip and is just as swollen on the inside of my lip as it is on the outside, rendering talking, eating or just sitting with my mouth closed a painful and awkward experience. I’m drinking via fast food straws like a small child and I’m having to sit with my mouth half open for something close to light relief.
And to top my morning off, I’ve just smacked my elbow on the wardrobe door.
I’m using a cold sore cream made by Lypsyl which, under normal circumstances works a dream as it contains a mild anaesthetic to ease the pain and it reduces the swelling dramatically after 24 hours. In the case of this monster? Not so bloody likely!
8:01am Edit
There’s now movement on the landing — J and L were still sleeping during the first part of this entry.
L has just shuffled in with a mug of tar-like tea (my first of the morning — L like to stew tea not brew it). J has also now ventured into the bathroom and is gently hacking tar from her cigarette-ravaged lungs as she’s brushing her teeth. I swear, no description could truly convey how disgusting the sound of her cough is in the mornings; you can literally hear the movement of gloop in her lungs. When she coughs with a mouthful of toothpaste (as she does every morning), it sounds like she’s gargling her own vomit.
Tell you what, sod getting dying Cancer patients to do the “No Smoking” ad campaigns on television, just loop that coughing sound over for 3 minutes during each ad break — even those that can hold their stomachs won’t ever want to hold a cigarette again, I can assure you!
Continuing along the theme of blogging, identity and self-censorship. I wonder if fellow bloggers can offer their thoughts in the comments section:
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
Do your family/offline friends read you?
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
If no, how would you feel/what would you do if they did?
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
If so, how and why?
If not, why not?
A full-time wheelchair user since 1998, Claire lives in an adapted bungalow in England with her Partner of 10 years and their two dogs: 
I used to do that. And my mom found my site. I was grounded for a month and she didn’t talk to me either the entire time. But since then, I haven’t used real names or talked about my mom. And I do blog under my name, but since I never have anything interesting to say, it doesn’t bother me what goes to public or not. Unless it’s something juicy, then it goes to my LJ under private or friends. xD
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
My site name is a nickname of mine, but I blog under my first name. I try to not reveal my last name online because I am a huge chicken, but it’s around if you look for it. I somehow seem to think that I have some semblance of anonymity even though I talk about my whole life and everyone I know on my website.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
I don’t talk about sex at all. My boyfriend’s mother and both his sisters read my blog and I think it’d just be awkward. I also try not to name names if I’m mad at someone because I know it’ll come back to bite me.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
Yes.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
Um, if I didn’t mind them reading it, I wouldn’t have told them about it in the first place. That said, I do think it’s awkward sometimes. I can’t talk about everything I want to talk about because I know that people I know in real life will read it. Hence not talking about sex, etc. Basically, I try not to talk about things I wouldn’t talk about in real life.
If no, how would you feel/what would you do if they did?
I’ve had a friend be upset with something (admittedly not very nice) that I wrote about her. And it was me talking about how I disagreed with her political beliefs more than me being mean to her as a person, but I think she identified very strongly with her beliefs and she was pretty hurt. I won’t say I regretted talking about that topic, but I regret the way I did it. I shouldn’t have been quite so riled up. I still don’t get why she thinks the way she does — we’ve agreed to disagree — but I didn’t have to be that vindictive about it.
I’ve also been ratted out for my religious beliefs because of my website. My aunt stumbled across it (ages ago when it was on Angelfire), discovered that I identified as an atheist, and despite my insistence, called and told my mom and my grandma. My grandma then sent me the three single most hateful, angry, mean emails I’ve received in my life. She is very religious. She didn’t agree with me and wanted to let me know how incredibly disappointed she was in me. Nothing about how I acted had changed, yet she was furious. “How could you do this to us? How would your grandfather feel if he knew? Why did you teach Sunday School if this is true?” (Answers: This is who I am. He’d probably be disappointed, but I don’t think he’d send me hateful emails like you did. I taught Sunday School for six months because so many people guilted me into doing it. I hated it and I hated myself for doing it — teaching five year olds something I didn’t even believe myself.)
This was, oh, three or so days after Christmas. I finally got sick of freaking out and I left my house at 4am one morning and drove to my boyfriend’s house. I accidentally woke up his mom and she sat with me and let me cry and talked to me about my family and helped me work through it.
So yeah. My website has been a catalyst for a lot of things, but I still don’t regret posting the things I’ve posted.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
I just started to, about a month ago.
If so, how and why?
I wanted to be able to talk about more sensitive subjects. I feel weird talking about marriage, babies, etc. out in the open where any old fool can stumble across them, but if I have users register, I can control who reads what sort of content. I don’t do very many “hidden” posts (total is about three or so, only one that is recent) but I like that I have the option to do so if I please.
If not, why not?
I didn’t do the user registration/password protected thing for a long time because don’t like advertising that there’s something else people could be reading if they just signed up. Like, there’s a reason I’m hiding the stuff. Also, whenever I see a password protected entry I never know if the author would want me to request the password or not, especially if I’m just a lurker. I’ve missed out on quite a few websites/entries because I feel that if I were in the author’s place, I probably wouldn’t have given the password out because who the hell is this person?
(longest comment ever. Heh.)
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
For years I blogged under a series of pseudonyms. The problem I had with that was because I couldn’t tell anyone about the site, nobody ever went to it. I quickly realised that because most of what I wrote was about me and my life, only those involved would take any interest. So I switched to using my real name which forced me to be more light-hearted and considerate in my writing, and to look for subjects more wide-ranging than just vitriol.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
When it comes to blogging I live by the old addage that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Of course this doesn’t apply to people in the public eye. I long ago stopped merely ranting, there has to be a point. In fact most of my blogging comes from just trying to get an idea across, or to give publicity to something I’m interested in.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
My family doesn’t, but most of my offline friends do. In fact I’m not sure I have any purely online friends.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
No problems whatsoever, because I try to make things light-hearted and funny.
If no, how would you feel/what would you do if they did?
I would be mortified, and probably take the whole site down. It’s just not worth it.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
I don’t, because I see the web for what it was originally intended, collaboration and communication. It’s not a one-way medium in the same way a newspaper is. I want as many people as possible to read and interact with my site. The site is an extension of me, a way to involve myself in the world that is otherwise impossible.
Enjoyed reading your thoughts.
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
I do it under my real name on my site, as it’s..well..my site. On Livejournal, I am known by a long standing nickname of “Sirbendy”, as I fit well under desks fixing PCs. Nothing more sinister than that.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
None as such. I believe in saying what I think. If people can’t deal with it, tough titty. However, that said, I do tend to “water down” or censor some things now, as the kids at work are getting ever more savvy, and know all about my site etc.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
Oh yes. Several of them have blogs of their own..I may not see them for years, but we can all be “up to speed” for e-mail!
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
My thoughts? I’m pleased I know people with the sheer gumption to come looking. It’s nice to keep in touch. I have a widespread family (some as far away as Israel), and I wish I could see them all more often, but this is a good solution.
Problems. A few. Kids at work have found it and ripped me a new one, printed it out and edited it, spoofed it so that I apparently “am gay”, “Met Jem when she was 14″, “am a pedophile” etc.
I’ve had a lot of staff give me funny looks or ask about it, and I’m quite happy to explain things, not that it’s any of their business.
It doesn’t bother me now..a lot of the kids have their own blogging systems, and apparently “You can’t have one. A) You’re a TEACHER, and B) you’re OLD”. A lot of them seem to think it quite a good idea.
If no, how would you feel/what would you do if they did?
Nothing at all. They make the choice, they stomach the results..as you say, they can always choose the “back” button.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
On LJ, I did. On WordPress..only on one post so far, I think.
If so, how and why?
Can’t recall why.
The one exception we have made is a domain wide ban of the specific IE browser ID string that TAW schools use to access the net. If it sees that string, they don’t get in. That put paid to their silliness, and distractions in lessons. It also means Jem’s Sister (who goes to “my” school) can’t waste her IT lessons on the site. Mind you, I’m usually watching her screen remotely keeping her on task. Isn’t life a bitch.
If not, why not?
I don’t feel I have any need to hide behind filters.
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
I blog under a nickname, but the people who read know that my name is Sabrina.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
Not really, not that i know of. Just two friends who have a blog themselves.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
Well, I’m not too worried, because it’s not as if I’d write too much personal stuff, though I’m starting to have second thoughts. Ever since I had to close down my blog and consequently ban anonymous comments. In fact I did have a few problems, not with a friend or family member, but I had some mad syco who wouldn’t take a hint and realize I didn’t want to chat with a complete stranger, who had previously offended me without reason and harassed both a friend of mine and I, via blog obviously.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
Can’t do much with splinder, but as I already said, I have only a splinder-user comment availability. No anonymous, don’t want any nasty surprises, though unfortunately he’s perfectly capable of reading what I write.
Thankfully I have an L-j, and under another name, so I’m perfectly safe! ;P
That’s all really. Interesting subject by the way.
Uhm, I was wondering, as I side note, did you get my email reply? Because my email server is kind of mad, and I’m not sure I should have answered at that address, or here on your site. Oh well. Bye. ^-^
Sabrina: Yes, I got your Email, I replied to you this morning.
I use one blog for light content where i don’t talk about politics, friends, family or work. I use another blog for ranting about anything but its more a place to talk a load of nonsense on the spur of the moment without having to worry about going back to edit a post because someone i know might see it although i refer to people using nicknames.
Good site by the way, found it though sense of duty
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
I blog under my own name. With my foray into freelance journalism and writing I’m in the public domain anyhows and actually don’t mind my blog being an extension of that.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
I wont (or at least try not to) infringe on friends and families privacy. For instance I recently blogged about my great-grandfather and the cirumcstances of my birth and cleared that with my mum first. Wouldn’t blog on personal issues such as sex because frankly I’m not bothered reading other peoples accounts so equally not bothered on recounting my own!
I don’t blog about politics or serious current affairs either. My blog is an outlet for my entertainment and comedy writing and I’ve made a noncious decision that it is a light hearted blog and for those other issues I enter debates elsewhere.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
Yes, and more than I thought. The receptionist at the vets is one of my biggest ‘fans’!
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
I love it, given me a lot more confidence as they are seeing another side to me, the writing side, and they give me a big confidence boost to carry on.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
No.
If not, why not?
Quite happy that all my writing is public domain. If and when any problems regarding feedback occur I handle it at source, usually the removal of spam.
I’m the same, in regards to having been blogging for several years but have ‘reduced’ archives. This is not because of chickening out and deleting them, but the accidental deletion of my MySQL databases (twice!) and useless hosts with no security.
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
My real name. I have nothing to hide as such and I don’t care if people know that it is me blogging.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
I won’t write about family in a negative way, and I won’t write about work. I’ve upset my Mum on a couple of occasions for blogging about arguments we’ve had, and I generally find that if I look back a month or so later it was ME that over-reacted and so all I’m doing is hurting other people. I refuse to blog about work (other than in a general “I have a job!” sense) because of the amount of people who have lost their blogs due to blogging.. although the seemingly immediate fame this brings is often tempting
Do your family/offline friends read you?
I know my Mum reads (and comments occasionally), and my Grandad/various uncles have read when Mum has boasted about me (hehe), but otherwise it’s 99% online people that read. Oh, and Karl, but he doesn’t count.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
As I mentioned above, my Mum has been upset by things I’ve said before, but that was a long while ago. I don’t mind not blogging about immediate family because they deserve their own privacy, at the end of the day.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
Not on my main weblog. I have a livejournal where I sometimes post friends-only entries though.
If so, how and why?
My LiveJournal, while not restricted past the whole ‘friends-only’ stuff, is used to make notes about work and work-related stuff. It’s done there so that people who shouldn’t be seeing it (i.e. bosses, colleagues) won’t see it.
If not, why not?
I don’t at my main blog because most of what I post is Internet related. If somebody or something is already on the Internet and therefore in the public domain, there’s no point me hiding my thoughts about it.
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
Real name. I tend to think of pseudonymns and handles as game playing. I have never been good at the part of the game where you’re supposed to remember who’s who.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
I have always assumed that the internet is a public place, and that anyone might read what I write. I try not to say anything about my readers (especially my family) that I wouldn’t be willing to say in front of them. In fact, I was pretty stunned the first time I realized that other pepole thought that the web was somehow their private playground and that they could somehow control who read or did not read their writing: Don’t Read My Weblog?.
Now that my children are college-age, I’m finding that belief more and more prevalent, but I can’t understand why.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
Yes.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
Not that I’m aware of — maybe there’s someone in my family who’s no longer speaking to me, and I don’t know about it.
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
No.
If not, why not?
If I’m tempted to hide something I’ve written, I just don’t write it.
Do you blog under your real name/a pseudonym? If so, why?
I use a nickname in the hope it won’t identify me online.
What are your “blogging rules” regarding what you will and won’t write about publicly?
I won’t say anything that I’m not comfortable saying to somebody’s face. I also won’t talk about sex or religion.
Do your family/offline friends read you?
My brother and a few friends, but I think — hope? — that’s it.
If yes, what are your thoughts on that? Have there been problems?
I’m not overly happy. It’s why I introduced filters. I don’t like censoring my thoughts and feelings, so instead I simply hide ‘em.
If no, how would you feel/what would you do if they did?
N/A
Do you use filters (such as user registration etc) to control who reads certain content?
Yes.
V xx
If so, how and why?
Isn’t it obvious?! LOL
If not, why not?
N/A